If you only had one month to live, what one thing would you change in your parenting that you know makes your child feel unloved?

I am learning through this walk of raising four children, to ask myself that question daily.  And when I do, I know I need to change my attitude of “well, I can get to them later when I’m done getting my stuff done.” or “they know I love them – I stay at home with them.” or “Hey – if they only acted how I want them to act then I would act more loving to them.”  There are so many excuses, but if we can be honest, if we thought we had 1 month to live then I guarantee our whole attitude about our children and how we show them love would change!

My intentions of writing this is not to tell you I have done the art of loving my children perfectly, but to shed light on how children feel loved and each of us as parents have a choice to fill them with love or not… There are consequences to both!  Gary Chapman, author of the 5 Love Languages of Children said, “love will make the difference between children who are well adjusted and happy and those who are insecure, angry, inaccessible and immature.”

Me personally, I choose the consequence of well adjusted and happy, and I’m sure all reading this do as well.  For some, loving their children comes naturally.  For most of us, when our kids are asleep or when they are acting perfect, or cute, or helpful then it’s easier to show love to them, but when they become disobedient or whiny or annoying, we tend to not show love as easily.  And then there’s others who find little joy in being a parent, and they are just trying to get through it.  No matter which experience is yours – it is not impossible to show your child the kind of love they feel!

Poem by Diane Loemers….(shortened)

If I had my child to raise all over again…

I’d build love first, the house later

I would do less correcting and more connecting

I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes

I’d do more hugging and less tugging

With those wise words from a parent of grown children, us parents of young children should heed to her wisdom.  Her poem is also the outline for this post.

I’D BUILD LOVE FIRST, THE HOUSE LATER

Who likes a clean house?  An organized house?  A nicely decorated house?  All three of those can be my struggle; I get a sense of calmness when my house is cleaned, organized and decorated pretty.  But, I have never heard anyone at the end of their life say, “boy, I shouldn’t have spent so much time loving my children, I should have had a cleaner, nicer, bigger, better decorated home.”    So, how do you build love first?

Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages states there are 5 areas that a child will feel loved.  All areas are important to foster and all areas will make your children feel love, but each child has 1 area that dominates the other 4.

1-Physical Touch  (hugging, holding, patting shoulder, wrestling around, tickling)

2- Words of Affirmation (positive & encouraging words)

3- Quality Time (making an effort to do something special, reading a book, playing a game, doing a craft)

4- Gifts (taking the time to buy a gift or giving them something special)

5- Acts of Service (doing things for them; making their bed, getting them their drink, helping them out with things.)

For those of you with more than one child, yes – typically each child feels loved in a different love language.  Tough, I know – because all 4 of my children have a different love language.  The task of showing our children love the way they receive it can mean change on our part as the parent and time; but the investment is worth it!!  We can not change the way our children feel loved, it is the way God wired them.  I remind myself often to build love first (the way they receive love and not the way I receive love), and put my energy into loving rather than my projects, my housekeeping or the busyness of life that can steel time away.

I’D DO LESS CORRECTING AND MORE CONNECTING…

As a parent, yes – we must correct or discipline, but we should pick our battles wisely.  If we harp on everything then children will not hear us when it is important.  And most children feel unloved when a mom or dad are constantly nagging.  There is a balance – we can not let our children get away with bad behavior or be overly cautious on discipline.  We also can’t let them consume all our time.  If we are emptied as a parent or our marriage is emptied because all our energy goes into our children then we have a whole other set of issues with our children and marriages which further drains us.  There is a balance.  But I do believe when you connect more with your children, you actually correct less.  Not always, but most often the fussing, the whining, or the attention seeking behaviors are really a cry for time with daddy or mommy.

Adults spell love L-O-V-E but children spell love  T-I-M-E regardless of their main love language.  If you look at the love languages- all require time.  I read an article on line that quotes. “It is a myth that spending quality time with your children is more important than spending quantity time.  We wouldn’t buy into the lie if a surgeon told us ‘I was not able to spend as much time as I would have liked on your surgery, but the few moments I did spend was real quality time.’ ”  We need both quantity and quality time and so do our children.  So, how do we spend quantities of quality time with our children in a world that demands so much?   …..

Earlier, I wrote that children spell love T-I-M-E, well I believe we have an example of how God spells love.  It is S-A-C-R-I-F-C-E.  Jesus came and sacrificed His life for us.  So in order to give our children the T-I-M-E (watch me with your eyes kind of time) or love they need then maybe we need to sacrifice or restructure how we use the gift of time and spend it connecting with our children instead of connecting to the stuff that will not mean anything to us at the end of our lives.

MORE HUGGING & LESS TUGGING…

Hugging can mean so much more than a physical hug.  Hugging summarizes loving your children – it means meeting your child where they are at, listening with your eyes, laughing with them, hugging them with loving words, being excited for them, LISTENING to your child, acting like a kid yourself – it’s okay to loosen up.

It is so important to meet our children where they are at.  And when the “tugging” happens with your children, say to them … “I am for you, not against you!”  I say this in our home often, and I do believe it calms my children’s hearts. They just want to know that someone is for them.

One last thing I want to add to the Art of Loving Your Child is… If Jesus says in Matthew 5:44 “But I tell you ; love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”  Then how much more do we need to pray for our children?  I believe it’s never to early or to late to start praying for our children.  Prayers change everything and they especially change the one praying, and often times it is us that needs changing more than our children!!!  I always pray for God to show me my children through His eyes.  Boy, do I see them differently!

Some questions to ponder or respond to…

1-Do you know what love language your child is?

2- What keeps you from connecting with your children?  Is it worth it?  At the end of your life, will those things really matter?

3-Do you listen to your children with your eyes?

4-Do your children know you are for them, or do they think you are against them?

5-And the last question I will leave you with is… if you only had 1 month to live, what 1 thing would you change as a parent to show more love to your child or children?